Stinking Thinking

. . “Stinking thinking” is what Zig Ziglar calls those negative thoughts that make you feel defeated, discouraged, and depressed. To be victorious, we must be faithful in “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5)” in order to capture our stinking thinking. . .

. . . Been awake for a while already this morning. Early morning hours often find me in quiet meditation and long walks into my memory to find pieces of my heart that Kara held. This morning is no different than all the others for the past six and one-half years. I battle stinking thinking...why me? why her? God, what are you doing? Do you love me anymore?

While scrolling through "Kara's Praise Page," established to follow her progress in the hospital during her last days, I am amazed at the levels and portions of strength of which God supplied, only as He can, for me, even during my stinking thinking.

I remember walking through those darkest days, not realizing how dark they really were, nor how dark they could really get. But, through it all, my only hope was in Him. He, who my parents assured me my whole life, would never leave me, never disappoint me, never misguide me, but would always sustain me through the darkest most desolate times was there. He was an invisible means of support that I didn't even recognize at times.

He is here now. When all seems lost and there are no answers, options, He is always here. Always. There is hope. There is always hope, even in the shadow of death, there is hope. Even in the midst of despair, broken relationships, financial ruin, failing health, loss of job, loss of opportunity, and even loss of life itself, there is hope. Because of Him, because of His never-failing love, there is hope.

I've experienced the worst nightmare of any parent and that is saying goodbye and burying her child. I tell you, assure you, there is hope. I'm thankful to the One who offers me peace. I will continue to hold on to the One who always holds me and let go of that stinking thinking.

I will trust Him and His knowledge.

“...casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

Peace I Cannot Explain

Peace I Cannot Explain

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
To everything there is as season, and a time for every purpose under the Heaven. . . A time to be born, and a time to die. . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. . .

In this quiet time of reflection on the fourth anniversary of Kara's last day here in this life on earth, the day she met Jesus face to face, my carnal nature inside me forces me to relive her last moments. Her last moments of life, just as her very first moments of life are etched in my memory.

After her delivery, the hospital issued a birth certificate documenting her birth including her physical attributes, her parents' names, and time of delivery.  After her death, the hospital issued a death certificate documenting her death including the time of death, but her physical attributes were substituted with the cause or "reason" for her death--respiratory failure, natural causes.

Thinking about the experiences of that morning and the days which have followed, I have to disagree.   Her death far exceeds a "natural" cause.

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who...is able to carry out His purpose and do super-abundantly, far over and above all that we dare ask or think, infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams.

I believe her death was for SUPERnatural causes.  During these last four years, I have seen lives touched and changed because of Kara's influence while she was here to those who knew her.  Those who have only met her through my sharing of her life have been touched, too. I know, I have changed since her death.  Naturally, my life is different now, but SUPERnaturally it is different as well.

God has taught me so much about how to receive His forgiveness and love, how to give forgiveness to others, how to show love to others, how to have hope in hopeless times of desperation, how to have faith when prayers are not answered my way, how to show heartfelt sympathy to others, how to show genuine empathy to others, but mostly how to feel and hear His presence in every storm and see His presence in every rainbow afterward.

The toughest and biggest lesson I've learned over these last four years is this:

Total reliance on Jesus Christ is essential for true living--it IS possible to live without fear and anger and totally rely on His peace to sustain me through this awful, dreadful, hurt and pain of losing my daughter, Kara.

Dealing with the anger of her life being taken is just the tip of my struggle.  Dealing with my anger of her being issued the life-long struggle of fighting a battle with an incurable and extremely uncomfortable disease as cystic fibrosis has been the greater resentment for me while dealing with the grief associated with her death.   Her death did not bring the struggle that living with cystic fibrosis brought her during her life.  But, God is merciful.

As always, God is patient through His love for me and reminds me He is the one who holds me:
2 Samuel 22:31
"For by You I can run upon a troop; by my God, I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is blameless; The word of the Lord is tested; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him. For who is God, besides The Lord? And who is a rock, besides our God?

He has tested me, and unfortunately through my stammering around through this experience, I have
tested and blamed Him--my struggles, my stumbles, my weaknesses.
He has given me words of encouragement and support from others.  He has given me words of encouragement straight to my heart  from Him.

A few weeks back he compelled me to write what was in my heart. I obeyed.  This was the result:

"There is a peace I cannot explain, in a place where darkness and roaring sounds try to claim.  Questions constructed from those eagerly awaiting answers; and answers constructed from those offering explanations; My world stopped, but life required the living to live; When I was looking, their worlds slowed for a moment, but never stopped, slowed for a moment, but never stopped.  Anger erupts, sadness engulfs, and emotions implode.  But, within the storm where darkness blankets the empty spaces; Still, there is a peace I cannot explain."

God is so cool! The story just gets better!

While He was speaking to me, He was also speaking to my friend, Kim Mattox, about writing a song for Him.  The words He gave me spoke to her heart and helped her complete the work and divine purpose He had for her to write His song.  She and her sons, Owen and Alex, their family friend, Boyce Callahan, took the words from our hearts, composed music, added lyrics, and created the most beautiful song that expresses so much of what has developed since Kara's stepping into Eternity.

Please take time to listen and be blessed. Share it and bless others. Remember too, no matter what you're going through, NOTHING is of "natural" causes, but know that there is a divine appointment and purpose for EVERYTHING under Heaven.

"Peace I Cannot Explain" is dedicated to the life and memories of Kara LaJuana Hay, January 1, 1990 - July 11, 2010.

In It To Win It
2 Timothy 4:7

Happy Birthday, Kara!

New Year's Day, 24 years ago, our family was blessed with a beautiful 7 pounds 2 oz baby girl at 5:12 AM, whom we named Kara. She was perfect in every way, even down to every inherited matched pair of genes. She was perfect, I know, because God doesn't make mistakes. She was made in His image. 

As she was 13 weeks old, our lives took a different direction. On this earth we face struggles, one of those benefits of living here. One of those struggles we face is disease. Kara was diagnosed with the genetic disease, cystic fibrosis (never in MY printed text will it deserve capitalization!)

, after poor weight gain from periods of projectile vomiting. Because of this diagnosis, we spent much time in the hospital. Most admissions lasted between 10-21 days. Earlier in her life, those admissions were seasonal. We would even celebrate with a cake and a party for being able to go a whole year without a hospital admission. As she grew older, the admissions were more frequent.

The hospital admissions introduced us to her new extended family. Kara became very close to her doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, nutritionist, physical therapist, x-ray technicians, interns, residents, and numerous other caretakers. One very special person, our pediatrician, Dr. BB Sellers (Kara’s best friend, confidant, counselor, advocate, etc.) walked the journey with us. His wisdom about children and life helped me as her momma to make necessary decisions for her and helped Kara understand and cope with cf.

During one visit, he reminded me to always see the beauty of Kara. He used the analogy of a house window with a screen. When looking through the window to see the beauty that God has created outside, one must look past the screen. The screen isn’t removed, nor does it disappear. The beauty, all of the beauty, can be seen even with the screen in place. But, if one only focuses on the screen, those tiny wired mesh squares are the only things that are seen. The beauty is missed. Kara is the beauty. She deserves to live a beautiful life. He reminded me to not miss the beauty of her and not to allow her to miss the beauty of life in spite of her diagnosis.

All who knew Kara know the beauty of Kara was seen in her personality, her wit, her giggles, her temper, her determination, her patience, her persistence, her strength, her kindness, her feistiness, her smile, her poutiness, her simplicity, her complexity, but mostly through her faith, trust, and hope in her Lord Jesus.

Rarely did Kara let people know when she was admitted to the hospital. There are no pictures of her with ports, IVs, or any oxygen tubing attached to her face. She never allowed anyone to capture those days in photographs. She lived through those times and looked past the screen, too.

Naturally, I was there the day Kara drew her first breath to this life as He entrusted her to us. Miraculously, I was privileged to be there holding her hand as she drew her last breath and He took her hand to live and breathe freely in THE most incredible journey of Eternity to spend every day in HIS presence. That day, July 11, 2010, I experienced His peace, His love, His care…. in her face.
I’m living through every parent’s worst nightmare. It’s painful. It’s a daily struggle living life without one of my children. It’s part of who I am…now.

BUT, it’s a screen.

It’s part of life and living here. Death is part of life. Because He has conquered death, SHE WON! There is beauty to be enjoyed and seen beyond the screen.

Know that there are screens in our lives full of pain, disappointments, and fear. But, know that there IS a future and a hope. He does have plans for you and me. Granted, they are not always our plans or our ways, but His ways are perfect.

Kara would remind this drama momma (her nickname for me) regularly that “God’s got this, so chill!” He does have this.

Thank you, Kara, for sharing your life, faith, and love with us. Yes, He has it all. Everything is in His hands.

Happy Birthday, Kara Hay! We love and miss you more every day!

Remembering Kara Hay

See a glimpse of this sweet life of Kara Hay and listen to how she is Free To Breathe.
January 1, 1990 - July 11, 2010  A life that was truly IN IT TO WIN IT!

Trust your struggles.

Every time I see a book written by someone who claims they have caught a glimpse of Heaven or experienced being there, I buy it, borrow it or download it.  I want to know all I can know about it.  I have family there. Part of me is there. A big piece of my heart is there.  I want to know what she sees, what she feels, and what she is doing.  I want to know that there is more than just harps, choirs, and clouds.  Of course, there is more. Jesus said it is!!

Recently,  I finished reading  Dr. Mary Neal's book, To Heaven and Back.  I started reading it one morning and could not put it down.  She makes reference after reference to the scriptures which confirm her experiences with the beauty of the afterlife.  Many times, we (myself included) make scriptures say what we want them to mean.  I remember when Kara was going through struggles, many people would offer the scripture, Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  This could mean healing, prosperity, comfort, peace, and anything else that would fit our situation. I'm not certain that it is meant as we sometimes perceive it.  Our future and hope may not be "a future and a hope" here on earth as we know it.  Because we are promised eternal life through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, our future and our hope are eternal, too. 

A sweet friend who heroically faces everyday with and for her two sons without her sweet husband, her soul mate, shared with me that she read somewhere that strength comes from trusting your struggles.  I've given that much thought.  Trust your struggles.  I've come to realize that compared to life eternal, our earthly concerns should diminish as they allow us to experience joy unspeakable in the middle of our sorrows and pain.  As I trust Him, I will trust my struggles and know that He does have plans for me; to give me a future and a hope. . .  eternally.  

You have to start somewhere!

I've always wanted to blog, but never had the courage or time to figure out how to set one up.  I've looked at several examples of blogs and have seen some really great ones.  Mine is nowhere near the way I want it to be, but it's a start...and to get somewhere, you have to start somewhere! 
I see this blog as helping to build relationships with others.  In any line of work that has people in it, there must be healthy relationships.  I'm definitely a people person and enjoy meeting and getting to know people.  Even meeting someone I don't think I would enjoy the company at first, I always give it a chance.  Prime example:  My husband and I took a cruise on the Carnival Dream in 2011 (before all the mishaps with the ships were occurring).  We were assigned as dinner guests at the table with another couple who seemed nice, at first.  Until we realized how perfect they were.  Their child was perfect, his career was perfect, she was the perfect wife, mother, homeschool teacher, blah, blah, blah...And that's all we heard for three nights...Maybe it was my questioning technique to get them talking about themselves...well, it worked, because they did and it went on and on.  We plotted after that on the best way to eat dinner without them...we first chose to show up extremely early so that we could eat and leave, but they did the very same thing!  Guess they didn't like us so much either.  Finally, we chose to skip having dinner in the dining room  entirely and hit the buffets.  So....oh, yeah relationships...they are important.  Blogging will give me the opportunity to share stories, get feedback from others, and build relationships.  My hope is to use this blog to create conversation starters about student learning and teacher learning, too! Or just LEARNING...any kind of learning...my comfort zone.